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Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Sunday, January 3, 2010
Feeling inadequate
What I know logically:
I am 7 1/2 months pregnant. I have in the course of my pregnancy stopped using the crutches of anti-depressants, self-medication, and even cigarettes. I know I am emotionally vulnerable and a hotbed of emotions waiting to boil over.
Does this help when I feel like I do today?
I was so grateful and relieved to be let off the hook from a social obligation last night. So loving my husband for understanding that everything is hard on me these days and I just didn't feel up to going out and being out late.
So why today do I feel inadequate and hurt and depressed because when he called me to check in last night he sounded the happiest and most relaxed I can remember in months?
Again, logically I know that the stress of my pregnancy and living in a house under construction and everything else that is going on has been wearing on us both. But again, it doesn't stop the thoughts and feelings that I am inadequate, that people are happier when I'm not around, that I'm a failure as a wife, mother-to-be and person in general.
I feel like my pregnancy pains are my fault because I haven't been exercising, haven't been doing my prenatal yoga. I feel like people are better off without me around because it's so hard for me to just be sociable and happy. Then I feel sorry for myself because I feel like no one wants to be around me. Which is probably true because I am mostly miserable and when not miserable, at least tired.
Which brings me back around to feeling inadequate - why can't I be one of those glowing, happy, mystical pregnant women that people just love to be around? Why instead do I feel isolated, lonely, depressed, drowning and just plain sad.
Ten weeks away from my due date and how can one time frame feel like a million years away and at the same time that same date feel like it's bearing down on me like a speeding freight train?
I'm certain I will be a bad mother because I don't have a pediatrician selected yet, because I don't have my hospital bag packed yet, because I haven't been doing my prenatal yoga and will probably fail at giving birth and breastfeeding, because if I can't even make my husband happy how am I supposed to raise a child?
It's an awful feeling to think - to know - that my husband is happier being around other people and being away from my pregnant miserable self. And I can only blame myself, for being pregnant and miserable. So it's a never ending downward spiral. Will my daughter hate being around me as much as my husband does? Would I blame her? Sometimes I don't even want to be around myself.
I am 7 1/2 months pregnant. I have in the course of my pregnancy stopped using the crutches of anti-depressants, self-medication, and even cigarettes. I know I am emotionally vulnerable and a hotbed of emotions waiting to boil over.
Does this help when I feel like I do today?
I was so grateful and relieved to be let off the hook from a social obligation last night. So loving my husband for understanding that everything is hard on me these days and I just didn't feel up to going out and being out late.
So why today do I feel inadequate and hurt and depressed because when he called me to check in last night he sounded the happiest and most relaxed I can remember in months?
Again, logically I know that the stress of my pregnancy and living in a house under construction and everything else that is going on has been wearing on us both. But again, it doesn't stop the thoughts and feelings that I am inadequate, that people are happier when I'm not around, that I'm a failure as a wife, mother-to-be and person in general.
I feel like my pregnancy pains are my fault because I haven't been exercising, haven't been doing my prenatal yoga. I feel like people are better off without me around because it's so hard for me to just be sociable and happy. Then I feel sorry for myself because I feel like no one wants to be around me. Which is probably true because I am mostly miserable and when not miserable, at least tired.
Which brings me back around to feeling inadequate - why can't I be one of those glowing, happy, mystical pregnant women that people just love to be around? Why instead do I feel isolated, lonely, depressed, drowning and just plain sad.
Ten weeks away from my due date and how can one time frame feel like a million years away and at the same time that same date feel like it's bearing down on me like a speeding freight train?
I'm certain I will be a bad mother because I don't have a pediatrician selected yet, because I don't have my hospital bag packed yet, because I haven't been doing my prenatal yoga and will probably fail at giving birth and breastfeeding, because if I can't even make my husband happy how am I supposed to raise a child?
It's an awful feeling to think - to know - that my husband is happier being around other people and being away from my pregnant miserable self. And I can only blame myself, for being pregnant and miserable. So it's a never ending downward spiral. Will my daughter hate being around me as much as my husband does? Would I blame her? Sometimes I don't even want to be around myself.
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